“Something Cool” No. 4: The Illuminati

Something Cool No. 4: The Illuminati

Cue the eerie music, because we’re about expose the Illuminati. Nowadays, it can be confusing to decipher fact from fiction when it comes to the fabled clique, with about as many conspiracy theories surrounding the topic as the moon landing, Tupac, and Area 51 combined. But here at the Eagle, we feel it’s important to provide our readers with only the most accurate, up-to-date information on their favorite secret world-controlling government organization, and so today on “Something Cool”, we’ll be getting to the bottom of what the Illuminati actually was – or is.

Picture this: it’s 1776 in Ingolstadt, Germany, you’re a teacher who has recently defected from the Catholic church, and your name is Adam Weishaupt. You decide to form a small group including yourself and a few of your students, which you call the Perfectibilists. Your goal is simple: to unite all governments and religions under one central system, from which you will subjugate the entire developed world in order to satisfy your insatiable hunger for dominance. Congratulations! You’ve just founded the Illuminati (you decide to change the name a few years later because “Perfectibilists” sounds too weird).

Over time, your group gets bigger, and real political ties begin to take shape. You even manage attract the attention of the head of the Bavarian National Lottery, Xavier von Zwack (Illuminati code name “Cato”), who will eventually become your successor. Finally, people are beginning notice your little gang of oddballs. Naturally, you decide that the reasonable next step is to publicly claim responsibility for the Revolutionary War, the French Revolution, the Napoleonic Wars, the Congress of Vienna, the League of Nations, the International Bank, and Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto over the coming decades, which, unsurprisingly, ruffles a few feathers.

The National Government officially denounces you, and, under mounting general disapproval, the Illuminati fades into the history books, never to reign again…or so we think.

This concludes the fourth “Something Cool”. Tune in next time for stuff on reincarnation.

If you have a topic you’d like me to research, or you have a suggestion for future installments, email me at [email protected]