The Rules of the AUX Cord

An excerpt from "Insights of a Teenage Idiot", a collection of essays by @tall_inferno

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The Rules of the AUX Cord

@tall_inferno, Senior Columnist

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If you are somebody who drives, or even somebody who has simply been in a car you probably understand what an Aux cord is. For those of you that are living under a rock or just on the north side, an Aux cord is the cord that allows someone to plug their phone or mp3 player into the car’s radio. When one controls the Aux, one controls the music.

Now, unless you are the driver, gaining possession and using the Aux cord appropriately can be difficult things to do without coming off like a total jabroni. So in this section I will lay out first the rules one must follow to obtain the Aux without acting like a loser, and then the rules of controlling the aux while avoiding base villainy.

Rules of Obtaining the Aux:

  1. DO NOT ASK FOR THE AUX IMMEDIATELY AFTER GETTING INTO THE CAR. By doing this you are showing to the person who was kind enough to come pick you up and drive you wherever yinz were going that you have absolutely no faith in their choice of music. Give their insipid music a chance and wait on asking for the Aux until you know your music is better.
  2. DO NOT USE THE AUX CORD AS AN EXCUSE TO HAVE SHOTGUN. The person who calls shotgun gets shotgun no matter what. They probably have long legs that are uncomfortable to shove into the backseat; let them have the shotgun. You can use the Aux from anywhere.
  3. DO NOT JUST TAKE CONTROL OF THE AUX CORD. You must ask permission from the driver to do anything involving the Aux cord. You may not just get into the car and grab it without asking permission. It is not yours; do not steal it. Eighth commandment yinz.
  4. DO NOT ARGUE OVER THE AUX CORD WITH ANOTHER PASSENGER. It’s not that real people. Nobody cares about either of yinz music. There will be no physical altercations as this is dangerous and somebody may be drinking something. Don’t be the one spilling someone’s milk because you wanted to show your friends some new song they don’t care about. Also fighting can distract the driver from driving which can lead to a car crash. Safety first!

Okay, now let us say that you politely manage to obtain the Aux cord and you are now controlling music is being played. You must follow these rules to avoid being the a true lowlife.

Rules of possessing the Aux

  1. DO NOT CHANGE THE MUSIC HALF WAY THROUGH EVERY SONG. Let the song finish. There is no rush for you to play every song you own in the fifteen minutes you have to get to the movie theatre. Also you should not have played it in the first place if you did not want to listen to it.
  2. DO NOT CALL YOURSELF THE “DJ”. You are just playing the music! Don’t start establishing a role for yourself. When you do this, you are not a disk jockey but instead a douchey jamoke.
  3. DO NOT TURN UP THE SONG AND ROLE DOWN THE WINDOWS. Have you ever looked at somebody that is playing obnoxious music with the windows down and thought that they seemed cool? No of course not. If you have you should stop reading now, I cannot save you, you will be awful forever.
  4. DO NOT PLAY SOME WEIRD MUSIC. This rule may also be referred to as the Saul Bezner rule. I don’t know where he finds some of this stuff, but it is bizarre.
  5. DO NOT LOOK OVER AT THE DRIVER FOR HIS APPROVAL OF THE MUSIC. Trust your choices. The driver will speak up if they are enjoying it or not. If they are comfortable with letting you have control of the Aux in their car, then they will be comfortable enough with you to tell you how they are feeling about your music choice if they are feeling any way about your music choice at all that is.
  6. DO NOT SING ALONG TO THE MUSIC YOU ARE PLAYING. Nobody cares if you know the words, so shut up. There is a reason you are in my passenger seat and not on the radio.
  7. DON NOT PLAY “THE BOOTY SONG” TWICE IN ONE DRIVE. It gets old and obnoxious the second time and it is just not as funny. Sorry Marsh.

If you follow these rules with respect to the Aux cord, you will come off as polite and classy. People will like you, and you may even be offered the Aux again sometime.

GENERAL RULE FOR RIDING IN A CAR

  • DO NOT OPEN THE CAR WHILE IT IS MOVING 30 MILES AN HOUR DOWN HIGHLAND STREET AFTER CURFEW. What is the matter with you Marshall? Is there no sense in your brain? Don’t be an idiot you’ll, get us all hurt.
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