Senior Citizen of the Week: Señor Roa

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Senior Citizen of the Week: Señor Roa

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Hahahahaha… No.

– Bienvenido Roa


On the xth of August, 197?, Our Lord and Savior, Bienvenido Roa, was born into this world. Even though He suffers constant abuse from everyone from Meech to His own children, Sofia and Tony. Even though he wears Old Navy sweaters and sad grey polos. Even though He doesn’t like scorpion pepper hot sauce. Despite this all, He remains dedicated to saving our mortal souls. Bienvenido Roa III was born to Bienvenido Roa II, who was the hijo of the first and greatest Bienvenido Roa. Broa #2 was himself a bit of a disappointment, as Broa #3 has revealed to His disciples during their daily Dominican indoctrination sessions.

Despite the fact that Bienvenido has not had a game day in ages, it remains without a doubt that His game days, especificamente during fourth period, are far and away the best classes in this school (with the exception of Teddy BBBear’s journalism independent study, but that’s not really a class). Whenever a person looks at Broa’s chocolate-like visage, the first thing they notice his the striking resemblance of his cabeza to a potato. This is not a coincidence. Due to an unfortunate accident in His childhood involving a potato peeler and an Irishman, Bienvenido is in fact 2.43% potato. Roa’s thumb-like appearance is also the natural result of his potato DNA.

In his free time, Roa enjoys knocking objects off His students’ pupitres and watching Jane the Virgin, the best show this side of CW. Roa is from the North Side, meaning he hates Josh Koval, the greatest stain on the North Side’s honor since the beginning of time. Roa created the sobreviviente system at Colegio Obama de Estudios Internacionales specifically to mess with Josh, but things never quite work out as planned.

The best part of Broa’s day comes right around fourth period, when He turns away from His YouTube fight compilations and Buzzfeed quizzes to see Meech call, “Looking pretty cute today Roa. Where’s your sweater?” at him before he gets to work on the tocatimbre.

For anyone wondering, Broa is strongly Pro-Rafael, meaning he has no calcium deficiency.


Note: Since the writing of this article, Roa has in fact had a game day, raising his sobreviviente point total from 1, 023, 659 to infinity. 

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