Friday, January 12th. East Liberty. Five male sophomores sit in a crowded kitchen. Two of them are blindfolded.
But let’s back up a bit.
If you’re not familiar with the Obama 10th grade group chat, and it’s likely that you aren’t, then you’ll not know of the great Progresso vs. Campbell’s debate. You see, over the last six months or so, tension has been growing between two opposite camps: the Progresso Army, led by Sam Bisno, and the Campbell’s Cohort, led by John Wesesky. The issue had spiraled out of control; so polarizing had the question become that the chat could no longer function, reduced to nothing but a festering pool of name-calling and low blows. The time had come to settle it once and for all.
First, Sam and John each presented to a panel of three impartial judges a can of chicken noodle from their respective brands. The two were blindfolded and made to eat a bowl of each, unaware which they were tasting. Next, the judges deliberated, and the final result was a unanimous score in favor of Progresso. Interestingly, it was the broth that was chiefly responsible for the downfall of Campbell’s, even though it is usually the soup’s main selling point. Ultimately, more ingredients and more balanced flavor led the former to victory.
Said Mr. Wesesky upon his loss, “Progresso may have won, but Campbell’s is as essential as 1s²2s²2p⁴.”
Editor’s note: 1s²2s²2p⁴ is the electron configuration of oxygen.