S.O.A.R.: A Superficial Study

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Zach has always been a law-abiding citizen. But economic changes may soon force him to turn to a life of crime. With the introduction of SOAR Bucks as Pittsburgh Obama 6-12’s de facto currency (replacing chewing gum, which may yet make a comeback), previously absent economic concerns have come to the fore for Zach. Chief among them is inflation. According to renowned Eagleconomist Mr. Peter Vitti, the expert consensus is that Obama has little to fear from SOAR Buck inflation. But Zach feels that the risk of inflation is higher than experts expect, mostly because teachers will start handing out too many SOAR Bucks (because they see them as worthless- go figure), and the currency will devalue quickly. In order to feed his family, Zach is considering turning to the dark side of the Obama Eagleconomy and producing counterfeit SOAR Bucks. The administration claims that it is capable of detecting these using its custom Makerspace-produced SOAR-scanners, but Zach and his cohorts are relatively certain that they can easily print SOAR Bucks using stolen currency sheets from the Office of the International Baccalaureate (OIB). When we reached out to the OIB, they assured us that any extralegal attempts to mint currency will be unable to get past them, even if the counterfeiters are in possession of the original prints. Gesturing at the Wall of Fake Money at behind his desk, OIB Co-Chief Mr. Michael Chapman pointed out that since even Mangalmoney was unable to get past the officers of the OIB, counterfeit SOAR Bucks would be easy to stop. By the time we conveyed this information to Zach for comment, he had already disappeared (after what we later learned was a close call with patrolling PPS Police officers).

Adding to student concerns about the introduction of SOAR Bucks is the absence of any location at which to spend their not necessarily hard-earned cash. No local institutions -including Joe’s, Vento’s, and the Sunoco across the Street- have indicated a willingness to accept SOAR Bucks. And while 1 SOAR Buck to 56 Zimbabwe Dollar exchange rate has been tentatively established (as well as a 1 SOAR Buck to 0.11 Mangalmoney exchange rate), no one has yet tested it, and all calls to the Zimbabwean embassy have been directed to voicemail.

Stay with the Eagle as we continue to report on developments in the SOAR Bucks Situation. For now, this is WTEDDY from Obama Academy. Back to you, Jeff.

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S.O.A.R.: A Superficial Study